How to Help a New Mom (or a Mom-to-Be)

James comes home!

The title of this really is "The Nicest Things Folks Have Done for Me Pre- and Post- Partum) but I'm thinking that any number of people could benefit from these ideas.  I sure did :)

I've found that people in general are very eager to help pregnant women and women with newborns.  Even strangers.  But friends and family have been the most generous to me; the gifts and service they offered me right around that nine-month mark blessed me more than I can say.  

Perhaps you're hoping to bless a friend or sister as she prepares to meet her baby, or as she's just brought her new little one home.  Maybe some of these wonderful ideas will inspire you!  (they're wonderful not because I thought of them, but because others did!)  

Things You Can Do for a Mom Who's Expecting

(or -- The Nicest Things Folks Have Done for Me When I Was Expecting)

Offer to watch her older children while she packs her hospital bag.  My dad has done this for me during my last two pregnancies (I think...)  It made getting ready for the hospital so much more relaxing.  I could waddle around the house, gathering what I needed, and if the kids needed anything, there was another adult available to attend to them.  I think that after my bag was packed, I may have even laid down in my quiet bedroom for a few minutes as well.  Hope that was ok, Dad ;)

Offer to watch her older children so she can run last-minute errands unencumbered.  (Unencumbered by children, that is.  That large-o belly will still be pretty encumbering, but the freedom of running errands alone may help her overlook it :) )   I was planning to take my girls to Target one morning because I needed to refresh my supply of nursing tank tops before the baby arrived.  A friend offered to watch the girls for me, and it made all the difference in the world.  I didn't realize how badly I needed that time to walk through Target in peace and quiet.  I was able to try on nursing tank tops and to check things off my mental pre-baby checklist.  I know that if I had the kids with me, it would have been a harried visit to the lingerie department that would have ended in me buying nursing tops in three different sizes... to be tried on at home... and my husband would have had the job of returning the rejects...  Anyway, I always remember those last errands out alone as really precious moments.  I think I even stopped to grab a caramel coffee something-or-other.  (perhaps you have identified the habit I of taking advantage to generous people who are stuck with caring for my children...)  Having my friend watch my children was a real blessing.  

Bring her a frozen meal for her family while she's in the hospital.  I've had many lovely dinners brought to our home after I came home with the baby, but one of the nicest gestures I recall was a friend who brought a meal for Russ and the kids while I was gone.  It was wonderful to know that they, and my parents who help watch the kids a lot during my hospital stays, had something healthy and tasty and fuss-free to eat one night.  It was a thoughtful gift that meant a lot to me and to my family.  

Things You Can Do for a Mom With a New Baby

(or -- The Nicest Things Folks Have Done for Me When I Had a New Baby)

Bring her a meal.  No explanation necessary.

Don't stop at a meal.  Bring her a bottle of wine and dessert too :)

Offer to do her family's grocery shopping for her.  This was one of the most generous and thoughtful gifts I've received after having a baby.  It was the best.  I could hardly believe it when the ladies in my prayer group told me they were going to do this for me for a few weeks.  It was so tremendously helpful to have groceries - exactly what I needed, since I wrote the list - delivered to my kitchen.  If they hadn't gifted me this way, I would have had to send Russ with the list, and any extra time he had to spend out of the house except for work, was like torture.  He was able to be home with me, the kids, and the baby, and we were still able to get our fresh food restocked.  Thank you again, dear friends - you know who you are - for taking care of us in this way after James was born.  It really meant a lot to me.

Stopping over to drop the off the meal or groceries?  Offer to get the dirty dishes out of the sink or to fold the laundry.  When these offers were made to me, I thought about saying "no thanks" but I eventually accepted the help.  Having someone else help me cold and sort clean laundry and wash the dishes in my sink meant two chores go done that otherwise wouldn't have.  That was a blessing!  

Send or hand-deliver an activity for her older children.  Oh my goodness!  You can imagine how wonderful it was when we received a package in the mail from a long-time family friend, and it was filled with activities for the new baby's sibling!  The kids felt special because they received some mail, and I was SO grateful because the gifts she sent were intended (she's a genius!) to keep the bigger ones occupied for a while so that mama and baby could have some uninterrupted time <3  (If you're reading this, thank you again.  Your gifts to the kids really meant so much to me!)  To give you an idea, here are some of the things the kids received...

Dover Little Sticker Books 
Dover Little Activity Books 
My House Playspace (punch out paper doll house and play figures) 
Boys Coloring / Sticker Pad Bundle ...

Also consider options like games, puzzles, sidewalk chalk, bubbles, color by number, and maybe craft kits for older kids (as long as they, under no circumstances, include glitter ;) )

If you're heading out to run errands, see if there's anything she needs while you're out.  It may be a small thing that can make a big difference for her and her family.  While I've been home bound with a newborn, it's was so helpful to me to have someone run to the post office, pick up the books I ordered at the library, and drop off a coat to be dry cleaned.  

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So those are my great ideas.  I think they have the potential to be very helpful to other lovely moms out there since they were so helpful to me.  What would you add to the list? 

I am so immensely grateful to have such generous family and friends.  I can only hope that soon I'll be able to refer back to my own list for inspiration when the next of my sisters or friends are expecting!   

Onions from the Archives

A women's prayer group that I'm a part of is currently reading the book These Beautiful Bones: An Everyday Theology of the Body, by Emily Stimpson.   The chapter we read this week was on the Theology of the Body and the gift of food.  It was jam packed with good stuff and parts of it reminded me of a Mother Angelica talk I once heard on how being with Jesus and the disciples must have been like living with an Italian grandma - everything always revolved around food.  "Eat!  Eat!"  Fish, bread, figs, water, wine!

Perhaps eventually I'll get around to writing more about all the thoughts I had as I read this chapter, but for today, I'm using some words from Miss Stimpson and another "taste" of a little something from the archives.  (did you get what I just did there??  pretty clever...)

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God always knew food would be the means by which He would impart His love and life to us.  He knew He would become bread, just as He knew He would become man.

And so He blessed food.  He gave it the power to bring joy and comfort, health and strength.  He also gave it the power to bring people together, to spark laughter and story-telling...  

In its own way, He made food a sacramental, a vehicle of grace for families and communities.  And in an altogether different way, He made food a sacrament, the flesh of God given to us in Holy Communion.  

(Emily Stimpson, from These Beautiful Bones, chpt. 7)

Chopping Onions for Moms Because Our Lady Did it For St. Elizabeth

Chopping Onions for Moms Because Our Lady Did it for St. Elizabeth

Challenge to Blog Daily: Day 7

(See this post for the background info on this challenge and please forgive whatever you find "imperfect, incomplete, potentially uninteresting, and quite possibly incomprehensible.")

Woohoo!  I did it - my post-a-day blog challenge to pull me out of my comfort zone (not posting because it won't be perfect) and drag me through my discomfort zone (that of hitting "publish" even though it's not... quite... ready). 

For this final day here is a hastily written (though much pondered) reflection that deserves more attention but... that's the nature of the challenge for you...

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photo from thevegansage.blogspot.com

Well, that's not actually Scriptural.  It doesn't mention onions in the gospel of Luke but it does say that after hearing that her cousin Elizabeth was in her six month of pregnancy, Mary traveled to her and stayed with her for about three months.  She wasn't sitting around playing parcheesi and eating bonbons while she was there. After Elizabeth greeted her and John leaped in Elizabeth's womb and Our Lady declared the greatness of the Lord... Mary got to work.

Isn't that why she traveled there?  To celebrate with Elizabeth and then to help her? (And maybe chat a little about morning sickness and stretchmarks?!)  Luke didn't write it, but I bet she helped cook and clean and prepare and ease elderly Elizabeth's anxiety about having a newborn.  

A few years ago, I was asked if I'd like to make a meal for a mother who had just had a baby.  I, much to my shame, grudgingly agreed while ungracious thoughts invaded my brain...  I'm too busy for this, I have a newborn of my own, how do you expect me to get to the store?  This woman lives far away from me and you expect me to deliver this dinner??  What if I never get my tupperware back??  And on and on.

The evening after I had made the meal, but before I had delivered it, I was praying a Rosary and was providentially meditating on the Joyful Mysteries.  As I started to prayerfully consider the Visitation of Mary to Elizabeth, I had one of those, "I'm so spiritually immature, I just got it" moments (they hit me quite frequently.) That's why I made this meal.  That's why I will pack my children up into the van after nap time and drive 45 minutes away to deliver this dinner, and then come home for our own late and hurried dinner.  Because Mary "invented" Ministry to Moms.  Because she didn't whine or complain or hesitate.  She didn't use her own miraculous pregnancy as an excuse to take it easy and stay home.  She didn't visit Elizabeth to show off how fabulous and "together" she had it, and how it was no big deal to nurture her own growing family as well as another's.  She didn't go to receive accolades from her cousin.  She went because she was a new mother also.  She also was expecting a son that she never expected and she could fathom Elizabeth's unfathomable joy and could sympathize with her overwhelming situation.  Elizabeth wasn't needy.  Mary saw fit to honor her through a ministry of service and friendship.  

That is why moms are the best and most natural servants and ministers to other moms.  When we serve another mother through the gift of a meal (whether during the early months of pregnancy when she is sick, or after the birth of a baby, or during an illness or a family difficulty) we are honoring our shared womanhood as Our Lady honored Elizabeth.

I am not always able to make meals for moms who could use one.  But when I am able, I am so happy to do it.  It brings me back to the day my attitude toward this type of service was transformed by prayer.  Recalling the story of the Visitation helps me remember what is important - it's not that the meal be seven courses of the gourmet variety.  It's not that I look fabulous and put together when I deliver it.  It's not that I'm looking forward to thanks and praise.  It is about showing another mother that her vocation is valuable and honorable.  It is also about acknowledging that sometimes that vocation is challenging and difficult.  (Many a mother has felt stretched to the breaking point by the thought of getting dinner on the table!)  I will happily bring a mother a simple meal to ease that burden in a simple way, and to honor her in a simple way.  She absolutely deserves more.  A meal is simple, but not insignificant.  Only a mother can appreciate the depth of the value of a meal that comes from another mother. 

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A few obvious tips for sharing meals with a mom and her family:

*  Simple is ok.  I typically double whatever I am serving my own family and know that if it's a simple meal I'm feeding my own family, I'm comfortable sharing it with another.  Often it's no more than a soup and bread or a casserole.  It doesn't have to be a culinary masterpiece to make a big impact.

*  Check for dietary restrictions, requirements, and preferences first.

*  Include dessert if you can.  Have you ever encountered a woman who didn't love the occasional dessert delivered to her door?!? And you'll make her children happy too!

*  Don't forget to include reheating and serving instructions if there are any.

*  Try not to view this service as "paying back" a mom who has brought you a meal or offered you some other form of assistance. Make it a point to minister to a mom from whom you've received nothing, and then think no more of it!

*  Leave all of your culinary insecurities and competitiveness and judgmentalism at home, or better yet, on another planet.  Leave all of your parenthood insecurities and competitiveness and judgmentalism in the same place.  There is no room for these distractions and distortions in true ministry.  (I'm speaking from experience - they really sour your attempt at service.)  

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So what's with the onions, anyway??  I decided to write this post a few weeks ago when I had spent the better part of a Sunday preparing meals for three families other than my own.  I was knee-deep in onions and was bawling like a baby and about to lose my mind knowing that it would be less painful if I could just take my eyes out of my head rather than endure this onion-induced torture.  Russ was passing by at a particularly painful moment and heard me mutter something under my breath as I dramatically flung my head back from the cutting board.  "What??  Have you ever said, holy sh*t before?" he asked, aghast.  "Have you ever chopped four onions before?"  was my unapologetic reply.  

I can assure you that when Mary was chopping those onions at Elizabeth's house, she probably wasn't using the kind of language that onions elicit from me :)  

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post script - I have often been on the receiving end of this generous act of sacrifice and service.  Thank you, kind women, who have shown such goodness and grace-filled-ness to me!