Halloween: Take it or Leave it? We Leave it.

Some bloggers that I love have been chatting Halloween again...  I really appreciate these conversations among civilized and gracious women who believe all the same essentials of the Faith and can have an agreeable disagreement about their various takes on non-Church holidays and popular American cultural. 

So, um... can I get in on the dialogue??

I wrote the majority of this post last year after Halloween.  When I finally got around to finishing it, it was sort of a non-issue because by that time everyone had moved on to Christian parents' next favorite topic... Santa.

I'm pretty sure that all sides of this Halloween thing have already been covered and the debate has already been had, but if you haven any thoughts on the topic and want to chat respectfully here, I'd love it!  (Bonus points and gold stars to all of us who can comment and disagree with charity and respect!!) 

So where am I coming from??  My parents were overtly less than enthusiastic for Halloween.  We still got to celebrate Halloween when I was a kid, but with some fairly strict guidelines... only handmade costumes (no money to be spent thrown away on store-bought costumes.  EVER.), no objectionable or scary costumes, no scary movies, no Halloween parties, no haunted houses, no haunted hayrides, no haunted anything, but... you can go trick-or-treating and you can eat whatever candy you get :)  And you always, always say thank you when you get it.  

I recall Halloweens of yore when I dressed up as a Crayola crayon, a bar of Ivory soap, and a Mexican man (??) And I remember heading out on crisp nights with friends and an adult.  Always an adult.  And I recall how bizarre, creepy, and uncomfortable it was to go to neighbors' houses - people that I knew well and liked a lot - and have bloody skeletons greet me or red-eyed ware wolves dare me to take a piece of candy.  What the heck??  They didn't spend any other night of the year pulling out all the stops to scare the innocent little neighborhood kiddies.  I don't necessarily recall being scared.  (I was far too aloof and serious minded to be duped by that stuff... hmmm, sounds like me today...)  But I recall being disturbed.  I recall the feeling in my gut that told me this wasn't right.   

It's my impression that in general, Halloween has become only more gruesome and grotesque as the years have passed.  This is not to say that many people - including many lovely families that I know and admire and that we count as friends - love celebrating Halloween and enjoy the holiday with their children in good-spirited fun while minimizing the weirder aspects that "creep" up. I love kids in creative costumes as much as the next person, and I think it's fun to get candy and treats and to party.  (Oh no, wait, I'm a introvert, remember?  I don't love parties.  But, mmmmm.... candy!)  But I think that it's getting harder and  harder to avoid what's objectionable when you leave your home on Halloween; we can't control other kids' costumes, or the decorations on the neighbor's porch, or the unsettling displays in the stores, but we can control whether or not our kids see it.

We've chosen to skip Halloween.

I intensely dislike the aspects of Halloween that celebrate evil and normalize what is grotesque and unnatural.  I don't feel comfortable exposing my children to mutilated bodies or blood-sucking creatures as entertainment.  (We encountered plenty of this when, in a momentary lapse of judgement, we took the kids to a presumably harmless neighborhood "Trunk-or-Treat" night. Ugh.)  They have plenty of exposure to good vs. evil in the real world, in stories from the Bible, lives of the saints (in which a mutilated body may be unavoidable, but it is in witness to Christ and holds the promise of everlasting glory and is not about wacky fun on an autumn evening) and other stuff we read - classics beyond reproach, like The Chronicles of Narnia, come to mind.  For the most part, especially in Scripture and in the books we read, evil is evil, not entertainment, or something to imitate.  It's not for play-acting, or something to laugh at, or something intended to shock and awe.  It's always a consequence of original or actual sin.  It's not a disguise, or a trick, or role play. It is a real and present danger to body and/or soul that should not be taken lightly.  I cannot abide the aspect of Halloween that treats the unnatural, the gruesome, and the disgusting as something fun, comical, or "just for kicks."  And regardless of what standards of costumes, movies, activities I would hold for my own family, once you're out on Halloween, there truly is no way to anticipate what you may encounter.  A grotesque mask once seen, can't be unseen, and that's wretched for the mind's eye.  (I have an awful one in my head from several years ago...)  But what if it's more than once?  And what if it's celebrated or made light of?  Repeated exposure to what is evil and grotesque presented in that light  (fun, comical, just for kicks, not-a-big-deal-would-you-please-just-lighten-up-Theresa) may, in my mind at least, deaden our natural reactions to things that we know are wrong.

It is that desensitization to what is evil and unnatural that I fear for myself and for my children.  I do not want to shelter my children from what is evil in the world.  I want to train them to recognize it and react - whether it be fight it, distance themselves from it, seek help, call out in prayer...   When my children, now and in the future, encounter something evil or unnatural, I want them to shudder and know in their gut that "this is wrong," and not to think, "oh, this reminds me of a Halloween mask I once saw."   

This morning (remember I wrote this last year...) I had my first frank conversation about all this with Aaron, who is seven.  He brought it up and kept saying, "I don't understand why people who believe in God think it's fun to dress up as something that's bad."  Me neither, bud.   I don't think I'll ever warm to the idea of emulating that which is disgusting.  Kids dressed as cowboys, princesses, unicorns, and knights?  Super Cute.  Kids learning about and dressing as holy men and women of God?  Awesome!  That's why I'm so grateful to have the best that fall-time candy and costumes have to offer at the All Saint's Day celebration!  (here  are the kiddos costumes from last year)

I reiterate, that my thoughts on Halloween are purely how I approach it for my family and myself.   I'm fairly non-judgemental when it comes to how other families tackle this topic (or enjoy this holiday!)   As I mentioned, I have good friends on both sides of the issue and we've never, ever fought about it :)  My husband is a little less intense about it than I am, but we're in agreement and once we decided together we would "skip" Halloween, his most pressing concern  was where he would procure bite size candy bars if not from the kids' trick-or-treat bags.  (It's called a grocery store, Babe.  I'll take you sometime :) )  I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic, to hear if you agree  with some (or all) of it, we can chat about how you view it differently, and I welcome you to charitably poke holes in my arguments, question my rationale, and maybe even change my mind!  Because when considering all the big ideas that go into raising a family in today's culture and in the Faith, it doesn't do anyone any favors to be stubborn about all the extras.  Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  And ultimately, my take on Halloween doesn't change that.

Why Parenting Controversies Don't Bother Me Anymore

Have you ever checked your blog feed reader and it's all a rehashing of the polarizing parenting controversies?  The post titles look something like this: 

The Reasons Why I Tandem Breastfeed in Public and You Should Too 

- or-
The Top 17 Reasons the Great Christian Literary Geniuses of the Past Say You Should Encourage Your Children to Believe in Santa Claus 
- or - 
Only the Cruel Let Their Babies Cry Themselves to Sleep :: Our Pediatrician Told us So
- or - 
Thriving Babies Should Eat Pureed Homegrown Organic Barley Grass before Prunes and Oatmeal
- or - 
Homeschooled Children are Socially Stunted Awkward Oafs (and How to Keep Them at Arms Length)
- or -
Halloween is From the Devil.  Are You Really Willing to Lead Your Children Down That Path?? 
- or -
To Vaccinate or Not?  The Myth of Polio. 

and on and on and on.  

A few years ago I probably would have wound myself into a tizzy reading stuff like this.  All the back and forth - attack, defend, quote your favorite doctor-author with a book on child rearing, etc...  But as my cumulative years of parenting have multiplied (and granted there have not been that many, and there are still many, many more to go) and I've gotten more comfortable and confident in many of the parenting decisions my husband and I have made, the hullabaloo has affected me less.  A few years back I finally decided it didn't matter what other parents did because they weren't raising my children.  It only mattered that I made the right decision.  Ashamedly, it wasn't until this past year that I truly, truly could take an even more important concept to heart: when it comes to those "controversies" parents love to attack and defend, I have more respect for the mature discernment of such decisions, and less concern about the eventual decisions themselves. 

There are so many parenting controversies.  And understandably so.  Parenting is HUGE - a monumental task that everyone wants to get right. And yet there's no rule book.  (Well, the Bible has some gems to offer - especially important are those nuggets on the obedience of children! - but modern-day parents aren't turning to Sacred Scripture for info on sleep training and baby wearing.)  

I think this may be felt more keenly by new parents, (it was by me when I was a newbie mom) but often it seems like when it comes to those big parenting decisions that get everyone riled up, it's black and white and you have to choose sides. Choosing sides. That can be a pretty intimidating concept because in effect, when you choose one method/philosophy/practice you've rejected the alternative.  There were times for me in early parenthood after we had carefully chosen our sides, that those who had chosen that alternative which we had intentionally snubbed seemed the ill-informed parents who did things "differently," and were even "wrong." 

Even though I'm a certifiable introvert with reclusive tendencies ;) I've been blessed enough to make a few new friends in recent years.  These are women who have many similarities to me - they are married to men they are devoted to, they have children whom they love unconditionally and serve with fervor, they are Catholic and are striving to live the Faith fully in their family life.  And among these friends, I have encountered many different styles of parenting, opinions on child care and discipline, and varieties of education, indoctrination, values, and priorities. Parenting magazines and Facebook statuses and blog posts (and lordy, the com boxes!)would have me believe that I'm at odds with these women - a real Western-style showdown of moms whose hip holsters are loaded with near-explosive parenting philosophies. But finally, in my journey as a parent and friend, I know that I am not at odds with these fine women.  On the contrary, the very fact that we have each poured so much of ourselves into researching and thoughtfully making controversial child-rearing decisions unites us far more than the fact that choosing opposing methods divides us.  (For example, my husband and I feel strongly about excluding Santa from our family's Christmas traditions, but I'll never forget how impressed I was with the well thought out reasons some friends gave us for choosing to encourage the belief in Santa in their children.  It was obviously not what we had chosen for our family, but I absolutely respect the fact that someone who had come to a completely different decision had done so with the same amount of thoughtful consideration that we had also put into it.)

Parents invest so much time, reading and research, and personal beliefs and preferences into making each decision, into choosing which "side" they fall on. No wonder we can be so passionate about our decisions.  Sometimes passionate parents butt heads. Unfortunately, sometimes they attack, even unwittingly, those who have chosen the "other side." But most of the time, in my experience, mature, confident, passionate parents spend less time attacking the opposition, and instead focus their energy on the decisions that are right for their children and family.  We put a lot of ourselves into choosing what works for us, what will be best for our family, and what will be best for the well-being and development of our children. Not your children.  Not our neighbor's children.  Not the Catholic blogger across the country's children.  Not even my best friend's children. Our children.  And while it's important to be confident in the choices we've made for our own families, it would be wrong to ignore or discount the multitudes of good parents who have chosen differently.  I give my unreserved respect to all other mature and conscientious parents who have pondered and decided on the big issues - even if they have chosen the "other side."  My ways are not, and should not, be the ways of other parents.  As I have poured my efforts into determining what I want for my own children, so have they, and that is more significant to me than the actual decision itself.  

(So, that was one of my big revelations this past year.  And I wish I could say it more clearly and succinctly than I have here, but if I don't publish this now it will never, ever be!)  It's not enough to spout "I do what's best for my family," and "everyone does things differently."  We have to appreciate, even love, the differences because we respect the women (and men) that made them out of love for their children.   Each of us parents according to our personality, strengths, abilities, beliefs, and even limitations, and it's all good parenting.  I believe in nursing my babies, sleep training them, vaccinating them, homeschooling them, I don't care for baby wearing that much and only ever do so out of convenience, and I allow my kids to eat non-organic food.  The mother who has carefully chosen bottle-feeding, co-sleeping, not vaccinating, traditional schooling, baby-wearing, and natural whole foods, is, in my mind, the same kind of mother as me. Though it may appear that she cares for her child in a way that is entirely different from me, she actually cares for her child in the same way - with the best she has to offer - a heart full of love and a head that did an awful lot of work navigating those controversial topics :)  

Here's to women who put a lot of effort into making tough decisions out of the purest love for their children and still come out on "opposite sides."  We are the same.  And we are only belittling the hard work we've done if we let blog posts and Facebook arguments convince us otherwise.