My Favorite Parenting Books
(Books. Lists. Love.)
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When I was pregnant with our first child, I read What To Expect When You're Expecting. Then our baby was born and started to grow and achieve normal-baby-not-a-genius-child milestones, and I made sure he was on track by reading What to Expect the First Year... the Toddler Years... etc... A few years ago I threw those books out. They weren't at all instrumental in helping me become a better parent, and in fact, I think I may have even made a few mistakes by believing everything in them and following some of the "programs" laid out in those books. Anyway, I read them all once and I never read them again. Any questions that I have now - such as "are these bumps a normal baby rash or is it a rare flesh-eating disease?" or "is it a sign of a high I.Q. if my three month points to horse when I said the word cow?" - any questions like that the creep up, I ignore and continue cooking, cleaning, teaching, or looking for lost shoes and sippy-cup valves, etc... And if it's something I can't ignore, I Google it. Problem solved and bookshelf space saved.
But there are some parenting books that I have referred to over and over again. They are books that I turn to for wisdom instead of information. They are books that I don't mind taking up my bookshelf space. They are books that don't tell me when my baby will get a tooth (it'll come when it'll come...) but instead have real advice and encouragement about how to be a better parent, and more importantly, how to
But... just to throw you off a little bit, my very first recommendation is akin to a handbook. It's the ONE BABY BOOK I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE. It's that awesome and so I start my list with my favorite "parenting book" of all time:
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Marc Weissbluth
This is the best book in the universe for convincing you that sleep is SO important for babies, and that all babies need "good" sleep. NEVER think your baby is "not a napper." ALL babies (and toddlers, and kids!) need good, healthy sleep. This book will tell you how to do it - using three different methods - YOU get to pick!! 1) Extinction 2) Minimal Crying 3) No Crying.
Russ and I aren't the best parents on the planet, but we've always been very confident in, and happy with, the decisions we've made regarding our kids' sleep. All because of this book. Our three boys were taking regular naps and sleeping through the night around 5 months old, and our girls were sleeping through the night with regular naps around 3 1/2 months old. And I know you're wondering if we let them "cry it out" - if there is interest expressed in specifics, I'll offer them some other time, but instead of writing it all out here, the basic gist of it is this: we used the "extinction method" which involves crying but is generally the quickest and most effective way to teach healthy sleep. The amazing thing is, though, that since we were so tuned in to our babies' sleep needs early on, we never had to endure too much night crying (even though we were willing to.) Between all of our five kids combined, we have had only about ten nights of intense middle-of-the-night crying. None of them ever cried when we laid them down for a nap or in the evening because we had followed Dr. W's method of "catching" babies' sleep signals and putting them down at the optimal time before they were over tired and could not fall asleep on their own So, they were all comfortable falling asleep on their own from a very early age and didn't suffer greatly having to cry for hours at a time, ever. (Let me know if you need more deets. I'm happy to share because I love talking about this stuff!)
Postpartum fatigue can be debilitating. I know. I can only handle that level of fatigue for a few months, so it's perfect that it's around 3 months that babies are ready to start organizing their sleep. I NEVER would have known this, or known how to help my babies fall and stay asleep, if I hadn't read this book. The book is not just about babies, but discusses healthy sleep strategies for children of every age. If having a well-rested family is a priority for you, and you need some guidance in that regard, Dr. Weissbluth can help you achieve your goal :) (That sounded like a scripted infomercial, but it's true! I reeeeeeeeally recommend this book!)
The Temperament God Gave Your Kids, Art and Laraine Bennet
This book aids you in determining what type of temperament your children have and then helps you understand the ways to interact with, communicate with, influence, and love them, that will be the most effective.
This book was instrumental is helping me appreciate strengths of my children in areas where I had previously imagined weaknesses or annoyances. My temperament is so very different than my sons, and theirs is so very different from each other, there can be a lot of misunderstanding or unnecessary friction as a result. Knowing and understanding the differences in how we go about... well, everything, makes it less likely there will be disputes or frustrations. I was so grateful to get a fresh perspective on our differences and have come to appreciate (if not totally understand) the quirky elements of their being that God gave them "on purpose"!
Discipline that Last a Lifetime: the Best Gift You Can Give Your Kids, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Classic Dr. Ray. Occasionally corny, often encouraging, always convicting. Dr. Ray gives all kinds of great advice on how to effectively discipline children - he has 10, so he's got some experience :) He really shines when he's giving parents tips on how to respond to kids' excuses and arguments in the midst of disciplining.
I didn't agree with all of the methods/ideas in this book, but I appreciated enough of it to mention it here. One of the best tips I took from it (and I should start doing this again!) is to avoid over-using "if you do this... then I will ...." statements with our children. It's practically a challenge to a child to do the thing again. It often ends badly. For example:
At the dinner table, little Jimmy throws his food on the floor. I say, "If you throw your food on the floor again, then you will leave the table." Here's what can happen next:
a) Little Jimmy looks me in the face and throws more food on the floor. I have to get up and take little Jimmy away from the table. Little Jimmy learned that he can use his bad behavior to control my actions. (this option isn't so bad because at least he suffered the consequence.)
or b) Some time goes by, little Jimmy throws his food on the floor again and I don't stick to my guns. I may ignore it or warn him about the behavior again, saying something like, "Jimmy, what did I tell you about throwing food on the floor??" but do nothing. I've lost. I challenged him with an "if..then" statement and he came out the victor. Little Jimmy learned I don't follow through and now knows that throwing food isn't really a punishable offense (and he probably thinks I'm a pushover...)
or c) (the most likely to happen in my experience...) Little Jimmy doesn't throw any more food on the floor, but a few minutes later starts blowing bubbles into his cup of water. I haven't mentioned anything yet about the consequences for blowing bubbles, so I say, "If you blow bubbles in your water again, you will leave the table." But little Jimmy doesn't blow bubbles again, instead he bangs his fork on his plate... and so on. Using specific "If... then" statements never covers all the other possible questionable behaviors and consequences that might come up and forces the parent to address every. little. thing. that arises.
The solution? Dreikurs' alternative to the "if...then" statement is to give consequences for behaviors when they happen, with more all-encompassing verbiage, not as a predetermined "threat." So the dinner table situation would have played out like this:
Little Jimmy, who already well knows the rules of eating at the table, throws his food on the floor. I say, "Throwing food is not table behavior, so you may not stay at the table. In our family, you only stay at the table if you have the proper table behavior." Jimmy is removed from the table, and is allowed to return to the table in a little while to try again with the understanding that he is only permitted to stay at the table if he has table behavior. It's that simple. It makes sense. It covers all matter of poor behavior that Jimmy may choose to exhibit and makes clear what he needs to do to stay at the table. It can be used for soooo many circumstances - I know from experience. (I need to get back in the habit of this because it's worked very well for me in the past.)
Compass: a Handbook on Parent Leadership
Lifeline: the Religious Upbringing of Your Children
Anchor: God's Promise of Hope to Parents
by James Stenson
These books are wonderful resources for parents longing to instill lifelong virtues and faith in their children. Stenson's work is based on interviews that he conducted with parents who have raised children into adulthood and whose adult children are now living successful lives grounded in Christian teaching. I really find these books very helpful, encouraging, and practical. I should read them again :)
This book aids you in determining what type of temperament your children have and then helps you understand the ways to interact with, communicate with, influence, and love them, that will be the most effective.
This book was instrumental is helping me appreciate strengths of my children in areas where I had previously imagined weaknesses or annoyances. My temperament is so very different than my sons, and theirs is so very different from each other, there can be a lot of misunderstanding or unnecessary friction as a result. Knowing and understanding the differences in how we go about... well, everything, makes it less likely there will be disputes or frustrations. I was so grateful to get a fresh perspective on our differences and have come to appreciate (if not totally understand) the quirky elements of their being that God gave them "on purpose"!
Discipline that Last a Lifetime: the Best Gift You Can Give Your Kids, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Classic Dr. Ray. Occasionally corny, often encouraging, always convicting. Dr. Ray gives all kinds of great advice on how to effectively discipline children - he has 10, so he's got some experience :) He really shines when he's giving parents tips on how to respond to kids' excuses and arguments in the midst of disciplining.
Children: The Challenge : The Classic Work on Improving Parent-Child Relations--Intelligent, Humane & Eminently Practical, Rudolf Dreikurs and Viki Soltz
This book was laying around our house left over from my husband's days as a mental health counselor (often for children and families). I picked it up during a particularly confusing time in our parenting journey and was glad I did.
I didn't agree with all of the methods/ideas in this book, but I appreciated enough of it to mention it here. One of the best tips I took from it (and I should start doing this again!) is to avoid over-using "if you do this... then I will ...." statements with our children. It's practically a challenge to a child to do the thing again. It often ends badly. For example:
At the dinner table, little Jimmy throws his food on the floor. I say, "If you throw your food on the floor again, then you will leave the table." Here's what can happen next:
a) Little Jimmy looks me in the face and throws more food on the floor. I have to get up and take little Jimmy away from the table. Little Jimmy learned that he can use his bad behavior to control my actions. (this option isn't so bad because at least he suffered the consequence.)
or b) Some time goes by, little Jimmy throws his food on the floor again and I don't stick to my guns. I may ignore it or warn him about the behavior again, saying something like, "Jimmy, what did I tell you about throwing food on the floor??" but do nothing. I've lost. I challenged him with an "if..then" statement and he came out the victor. Little Jimmy learned I don't follow through and now knows that throwing food isn't really a punishable offense (and he probably thinks I'm a pushover...)
or c) (the most likely to happen in my experience...) Little Jimmy doesn't throw any more food on the floor, but a few minutes later starts blowing bubbles into his cup of water. I haven't mentioned anything yet about the consequences for blowing bubbles, so I say, "If you blow bubbles in your water again, you will leave the table." But little Jimmy doesn't blow bubbles again, instead he bangs his fork on his plate... and so on. Using specific "If... then" statements never covers all the other possible questionable behaviors and consequences that might come up and forces the parent to address every. little. thing. that arises.
The solution? Dreikurs' alternative to the "if...then" statement is to give consequences for behaviors when they happen, with more all-encompassing verbiage, not as a predetermined "threat." So the dinner table situation would have played out like this:
Little Jimmy, who already well knows the rules of eating at the table, throws his food on the floor. I say, "Throwing food is not table behavior, so you may not stay at the table. In our family, you only stay at the table if you have the proper table behavior." Jimmy is removed from the table, and is allowed to return to the table in a little while to try again with the understanding that he is only permitted to stay at the table if he has table behavior. It's that simple. It makes sense. It covers all matter of poor behavior that Jimmy may choose to exhibit and makes clear what he needs to do to stay at the table. It can be used for soooo many circumstances - I know from experience. (I need to get back in the habit of this because it's worked very well for me in the past.)
Compass: a Handbook on Parent Leadership
Lifeline: the Religious Upbringing of Your Children
Anchor: God's Promise of Hope to Parents
by James Stenson
These books are wonderful resources for parents longing to instill lifelong virtues and faith in their children. Stenson's work is based on interviews that he conducted with parents who have raised children into adulthood and whose adult children are now living successful lives grounded in Christian teaching. I really find these books very helpful, encouraging, and practical. I should read them again :)
And by way of a little lighter fare...
Babyhood
Familyhood
by, Paul Reiser
When you need a little bit of a break from taking it all too seriously, read these. You will do the embarrassing laugh-out-loud-even-though-no-one-else-is-around thing. Or you'll keep reading bits of it out loud to your spouse even though you can hardly breath for laughing so hard. I was literally in tears a couple times reading Reiser's books. (Couplehood is good, too!)
And finally, Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, by Pamela Druckerman, was an entertaining and insightful read. It was just plain fun to read of Druckerman's insecurities and uncertainties about her American-style parenting (hovering, frantic, and paranoid) amidst the calm, cool, and collected chic Parisian mothers among whom she lived. I indentified partly with Druckerman and partly with the French-style of parenting, so it was enjoyable to get a bit of all it in one book!
Now I'd love to hear from you! What are some of the must-read parenting books on your list??
